the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
