Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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