I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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