I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
