you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
