The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
