I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
A bitchslap is in order.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
