My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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