So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
