Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
