Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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