haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
