you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
