All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I want a musical about memes.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
