He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
