3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
