i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you mean i was at the winter classic?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
