new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
