i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
pray to the hookup gods
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
