and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just invented taco cereal.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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