Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
