the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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