I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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