I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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