Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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