I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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