I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize