I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize