I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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