Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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