Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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