..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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