In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you traded sex for a burrito?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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