At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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