cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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