Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
