I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
