I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Randomize
