when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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