Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
