Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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