My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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