alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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