I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
