yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
