Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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