Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
