I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
home. puking in laundry basket.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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