Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
