bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
