I'm drive I can fine osifer
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
