It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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