I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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