Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
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