can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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