mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
