Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
