I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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