He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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