you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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