question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
