my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
