She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
