Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I checked into jail on foursquare
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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