okay pat passed out under dana's car
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
