i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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