People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
