I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize
