cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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