I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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