so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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