Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
well you can't waste a boner
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
