Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
