you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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