I need to stop coming to work sober
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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