i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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