its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
