the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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