You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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