Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
