I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
