he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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