Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
